Xenofile

Purr-verted Behavior

2007-03-14T19:24:00.000-07:00

We all know the male of any species is obsessed with pussy...but this budgie doesn't quite seem to have gotten it right! (Or maybe he's onto something...after all, sex is more fun when you're in danger of getting caught!)

Nutty? Damn Skippy!

2007-03-11T23:06:00.000-07:00

A blog devoted entirely to smearing various objects with peanut butter. Readers will be comforted to know that the photos of these objects "have not been altered in any way through computer graphic editing."

"That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?" "The G.O.P.!"

2006-10-02T07:44:00.000-07:00

Submit your own version of "the greatest dirty joke ever told"...and rate submissions from others! (As if we really needed to say this...DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT READING IT AT WORK!)

I'm Ready for My Close-up, Mr. DeMille...

2006-10-01T22:54:00.000-07:00

Thank you, thank you, ladies and gentlemen, you're too kind...especially considering the fact that you, too, can put your name (or whatever else you want) on a Hollywood Walk of Fame star (among other things) simply by going here!

Don't Let Your Meat Loaf

2006-10-01T22:34:00.000-07:00

You've seen tons of Viagra spam in your inbox...now you can prepare it in your very own kitchen with these mouth-watering Viagra Spam recipes!

"Humor is Tragedy Plus Time." -- Mark Twain (Part Deux)

2006-09-24T23:23:00.000-07:00

ADOLF HITLER: Neville, what would you say to a small drink?
NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN: Hello, small drink!

Hitler as Ralph Kramden? That was pretty much the premise of Heil, Honey, I'm Home!, a 1990 spoof of American sitcoms which, due to a storm of protests, became the first British TV series ever to be cancelled after only one showing! It's hard to believe that seven more unaired episodes of this were taped, as it's the sort of thing Monty Python could've pulled off brilliantly in just a five-minute sketch -- in fact, the "Attila the Hun Show" sketch, from Python's second season, was very much along these lines. Star Neil McCaul plays Adolf as a Schickelgoober with a Brooklyn accent who can't get along with his Jewish neighbors, the Goldensteins, resulting in...not exactly boffo comedy, but the sheer unmitigated audacity of the damn thing might cause you to crack a smile or two in spite of its unfathomable tastelessness!

The one and only episode of Heil, Honey to see the light of day was posted to YouTube a few months back and, as the Web's foremost proponent of bizarre entertainment (it's true...just ask us!), Xenofile couldn't possibly pass up the chance to present it! So without further ado, here's part one...

...and part two!

Oh, the Humanity! It's Another...

2006-09-21T19:11:00.000-07:00

This wouldn't be the first movie about atomically-mutated monsters that really sucked...except this time they literally suck! That's right, schlockophiles, this week's Xenoflick features the curvalicious Yvette Vickers in Roger and Gene Corman's 1959 drive-in classic...Attack of the Giant Leeches! [62 mins.]

Be-Trade Secrets

2006-09-20T20:54:00.000-07:00

Yep, there are some real brainiacs out there in corporate America. Want proof? (Besides the fact that they voted for Bush, I mean.) Try clicking this Google search link:

confidential "do not distribute"

...and you'll find (once you've gotten past all the other blog posts telling you to try this!) tons of confidential documents never intended for public consumption! Isn't the Internet fun?!

Bitter Sweets

2006-09-20T20:21:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week, you'll recall that we dealt with junk food that was disgustingly fattening. This time around, we turn our attention to junk food that's disgusting for an entirely different reason: the Top 10 Grossest Candies, as reviewed by CandyAddict.com!

Thanks, Mario...But the Princess is in My Tummy!

2006-09-19T20:06:00.000-07:00

Heh heh. Actually the Mario and Princess Peach figures on top were the only inedible parts of this Super Mario Bros. wedding cake. Congrats to the happy newlyweds, Brent and Annette!

We'll Always Have Paris

2006-09-19T19:14:00.000-07:00

Revealed at last: Why Paris Hilton is famous! (Contains a pic that's HIGHLY QUESTIONABLE FOR WORK, as well as a link to a page about Ms. Hilton's sex tape that is DEFINITELY UNSAFE FOR WORK!)

That's Nothing...I Can Do That with My Bare Hands!

2006-09-19T19:04:00.000-07:00

Helicopter pilot uses his chopper to open a bottle of beer!

Grease is the Word

2006-09-19T15:11:00.000-07:00

Yes, friends, it's YET ANOTHER Xenofile post spotlighting artery-clogging junk food! Behold: a taste treat, the mere sight of which is guaranteed to bump up your cholesterol level several notches: Butter-Fried Krispy Kreme Donuts!

Those of you who plan to attend this year's State Fair of Texas can sample a brand new culinary creation that would require disposal by a Hazmat team if it was any more unhealthy: deep-fried Coca-Cola! (Of course, most fairgoers by now should be familiar with deep fried candy bars.)

And...if you aren't already half sick from the thought of these concoctions, here's one more that should send you totally over the edge: chocolate covered bacon!

Auntie Em! Auntie Em!

2006-09-18T20:48:00.000-07:00

And speaking of weather, here's a treat for all our funnel-loving readers: a compilation of classic tornado footage with a really annoying music track!

Weatherbug

2006-09-18T19:52:00.000-07:00

Squeamish meteorologist notices cockroach crawling up his leg during live newscast. Hilarity ensues!

Mad-vertising

2006-09-18T18:08:00.000-07:00

A collection of bizarre vintage ads (some of which are politically incorrect enough to be QUESTIONABLE FOR WORK!)

Fiddle-Schticks

2006-09-12T00:15:00.000-07:00

The definitive Henny Youngman collection. (Sample joke: "A bum asked me, 'Give me $10 till payday.' I asked, 'When's payday?' He said, 'I don't know, you're the one who is working!'")

Burning Question

2006-09-11T23:19:00.000-07:00

Can Spiders Fart?

A Post That's Hard to Swallow

2006-09-11T22:17:00.000-07:00

Dude risks gastric suicide by attempting to eat a five-pound burger with 54 toppings (which looks more like some kind of deranged sundae) in thirty minutes or less!

In related news, a python devours a pregnant sheep!

Like, Run for Cover, Man! It's Another...

2006-09-08T00:10:00.000-07:00

Say, daddy-o! Wouldn't it just be the most to be Teenagers from Outer Space [85 mins]?? Hey, not only could you sic giant lobsters on all those strictly-from-squaresville Earthlings that hassle you, you could also use a cheap toy gun with a flashbulb to turn 'em into skeletons (complete with identifying marks on the hipbones)! Wanna see what it'd be like? Check out this cool 'n' crazy coming attractions trailer...

...and if you dig that, lay your peepers upon the full-length 1959 flick itself!

Aeluro-File

2006-09-04T19:43:00.000-07:00

For all you cat lovers, here's a collection of talking felines caught on tape...

...and a four-minute grab bag of cute, cuddly kitties cutting up on camera!

Xenofile: we do cat blogging right!

Bed Springs

2006-09-04T11:54:00.000-07:00

As further proof that there's absolutely nothing that can't be found on the web, here's a blog devoted entirely to hotel bed jumping.

Gott im Himmel! Er ist anderer...

2006-08-31T23:02:00.000-07:00

This weekend's Xenoflick started out as a cheezoid German-made horror-nudie about a troupe of dancers whose manager is bitten by a radioactive spider and transformed into a monster after their plane goes down near a mysterious island! Originally entitled Ein Toter hing im Netz (A Corpse Hangs in the Web), it first played the U.S. grindhouse circuit in '62 as It's Hot in Paradise! Three years later, nine minutes of nudity was excised (although the results may still be HIGHLY QUESTIONABLE FOR WORK...and just what are you doing watching this schlock at your desk anyway?!), and this mess-terpiece was marketed as a straightforward drive-in horror cheapie! It's since been released on home video under such titles as Girls of Spider Island, Body in the Web and The Spider's Web, but we will refer to it by its 1965 reissue title...Horrors of Spider Island (74 mins.)!

Dubya Dubya III

2006-08-29T08:28:00.000-07:00

Heh heh...this was created using one of a number of image generators at says-it.com. Frankly, though, we like this one a lot better...

Star Drek

2006-08-29T08:20:00.000-07:00

And now, going from bad poetry to bad interpretations...here's William Shatner at a 1978 sci-fi/fantasy awards ceremony, performing Elton John's "Rocket Man" as only he can (introduced by Elton's then-lyricist Bernie Taupin!).

Litter-ary Genius

2006-08-29T07:22:00.000-07:00

A site dedicated to the poetry (if that's the word for it) of William McGonagall (1825?-1902). "Widely hailed as the writer of the worst poetry in the English language", McGonagall's work -- believe it or not -- is still in print today!

We Really Go for Guys Who Read...

2006-08-28T23:20:00.000-07:00

Heh. Actually, it's not that we're resorting to titillation to attract readers (although we're certainly not above it!); type a cheer-up message here, send it to a friend and the little hotties will spell it out for 'em!

Just Don't Ask Us to Lick the Envelopes!

2006-08-28T22:55:00.000-07:00

And speaking of bowel movements, here's an ecologically sound idea...the Thai Elephant Conservation Center gives you the poop on paper made from elephant dung. Don't miss the moving story of inventor Mr. Wanchai, who had the intestinal fortitude to make his idea a reality!

Sham Poo

2006-08-28T22:47:00.000-07:00

Dude invents device that plays convincing sound effects of endless, grunting, straining bowel movement, plants it in restroom stall at office, sits back and watches the fun. This guy's a real commodian!

Milking It For All It's Worth

2006-08-28T06:36:00.000-07:00

Where's Waldo and why does he have that huge grin on his face? (Probably NOT SAFE FOR WORK!)

"Humor is tragedy plus time." -- Mark Twain

2006-08-28T06:34:00.000-07:00

Is five years enough? You decide.

Technicolor Yawn

2006-08-28T06:02:00.000-07:00

"RainbowPuke exists so that fans of puking rainbows have a place to make their collective voices heard." Ummmmm...okay.

WHAT A REVOLTIN' PREDICAMENT! IT'S ANOTHER...

2006-08-24T21:56:00.000-07:00

Think drug humor had its roots in the psychedelic '60s? Check out this weekend's Xenoflick...the bizarre 1916 silent comedy The Mystery of the Leaping Fish (26 mins.), starring film legend Douglas Fairbanks Sr. as dope-addled "scientific detective" Coke Ennyday, who shoots and snorts up a storm while solving a case of blackmail and opium smuggling!

What a Pussy!

2006-08-23T07:30:00.000-07:00

Cat takes on chipmunk...and loses!

Signs of the Apocalypse...

2006-08-23T05:41:00.000-07:00

And speaking of Frank Zappa (which we were, last week!)...who woulda thunk it?!? Paris Hilton not only releases a critically-acclaimed album, but also gets photographed holding a copy of Captain Beefheart's Zappa-produced classic, Trout Mask Replica??? Just try wrappin' yer brain around the thought of Paris chillin' at her palatial estate while "Neon Meate Dream of a Octafish" belches forth from her six-figure stereo system. Great googly moogly! (Via the always nifty 'n' bitchen Idiot Bastard.)

UPDATE! [8/25/06]:

Thanx a heap to "dl" for calling our attention to this YouTube video compilation of numerous websites that picked up the above pic and ran with it over the past week or two! It's set to Lewis Taylor's spiffy cover version of one of Trout Mask's most famous cuts, "Ella Guru". (Unfortunately, our entry was posted a day too late to be "immortalized", but what the hey!)

...and, as a special bonus, in the 1982 music video MTV rejected due to what they considered excessive weirdness, here's the Captain himself with "Ice Cream for Crow"!

A Bum Deal?

2006-08-22T19:56:00.000-07:00

Wondering what your future will bring? Send Jacqueline Stallone, an ass-tute practitioner of the ancient art of Rumpology, a digital pic or scan of your gluteus maximus (no, photocopies of your butt won't be accepted!), and she'll ass-ist you in ass-certaining what's in store for you...for the ass-tonishingly ass-tronomical price of $125.00! (Includes a link to a photo gallery which is most ass-uredly NOT SAFE FOR WORK! )

Are You Hungry Tonight?

2006-08-21T20:24:00.000-07:00

Now you, too, can dine like a king...the King of Rock and Roll! That's right, it's the legendary Fool's Gold Loaf -- the carbatrocious delicacy Elvis is reputed to have once flown cross-country on a whim to gorge himself on (and which may have taken a year or two off his life all by itself!). So just take a loaf of French bread, melted butter, entire jars of peanut butter and jelly and a hunka-hunka burnt bacon...and that's when your heartburn begins!

Cocoa Loco

2006-08-21T17:58:00.000-07:00

Looks like the new taste sensation sweeping the nation is hot chocolates...no, not hot chocolate, I'm talking actual chocolate candies with filling that'll put some pep in your step! Check out Cowgirl Chocolates, Pueblo Chili Chocolates and Serendipity's Hades Truffle and have some brewski ready to chase 'em down...Sam Adams Chocolate Bock, that is!

SUFFERIN' CATS!!! IT'S ANOTHER...

2006-08-17T23:10:00.000-07:00

This weekend's Xenoflick is a big one, folks...THE big one! That's right, my friends...CAN YOUR HEARTS STAND NOT ONLY THE COMING ATTRACTIONS TRAILER FOR ED WOOD'S LEGENDARY GRADE-Z GIGGLEFEST PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE...

...BUT ALSO THE FULL-LENGTH FILM ITSELF (79 mins.)?!? (DISCLAIMER: Not posted to Google Video by the author yadda yadda yadda.)

All Tomorrow's Old Farties

2006-08-16T22:33:00.000-07:00

Wonderful, wonderful! An' now, playing da lovely standard "Sister Ray" for your dancing pleasure, here's da very wonderful Velvet Underground! A-one and a-two... (DISCLAIMER: This wonderful clip was not posted to da wonderful YouTube by da author of this very wonderful blog.)

Thirsty Freaks, Daddy

2006-08-16T22:25:00.000-07:00

"Every major industrialized nation has A BEER (you can't be a Real Country unless you have A BEER and an airline -- it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need A BEER)." -- Frank Zappa, The Real Frank Zappa Book

...and what better beer for an industrialized nation than Freak Out Ale...brewed with the permission of the Zappa Family Trust to celebrate the 40th anniversary of Frank's legendary debut album? (Via Kill Ugly Radio.)

Oh, by the way...a few more thoughts on beer from The Real FZ Book that, uh, somehow didn't make it onto the label:

"Beer seems to produce behavioral results which are psycho-chemically different from those produced by other alcoholic beverages.

Alcohol (the part that 'gets you drunk') is only one ingredient. There are other things in beer, and those [herbal and/or biological] components could affect the [male] brain, creating this violent tendency.

Go ahead and laugh. One day you're going to read about some scientist discovering that hops, in conjunction with certain strains of 'yeast creatures,' has a mysterious effect on some newly discovered region of the brain, making people want to kill -- but only in groups. (With whiskey, you might want to murder your girlfriend -- but beer makes you want to do it with your buddies watching. It's a buddy beverage -- for buddy activities.)"

"Où mon ordre des fritures de liberté, vous fromage-mange des singes de reddition?"

2006-08-16T22:20:00.000-07:00

And speaking of wingnuts...all you ugly Americans traveling to Europe will enjoy the handy-dandy Zompist Phrasebook, with useful phrases for every occasion in French, Spanish and German!

A Xenofile Hump Day Special...

2006-08-15T22:05:00.000-07:00

Ah, those wingnuts. They drive around in Hummers, but get all huffy-puffy and livid because Bill got one from Monica! (HIGHLY QUESTIONABLE FOR WORK!)

I'm a Starship Commander and I'm Okay...

2006-08-15T21:59:00.000-07:00

Star Trek and the Holy Grail.

Crop Circles, Hell! I'm Gonna Kick Some Earthling Butt!

2006-08-15T21:37:00.000-07:00

And while we're on the subject of expletives...via Google Maps UK: either the satellite image of this farm near Billingley, England has been tampered with, or else some mighty pissed-off aliens landed there! (APPROACH WITH CAUTION AT WORK!)

Curse-er Commands

2006-08-15T21:33:00.000-07:00

"A nostalgic look at what used to happen when you tried typing swear words into text adventures." (Come on now, you know you did it!)

Broke Mac Mountain

2006-08-14T20:50:00.000-07:00

Some people take this "Macs are evil" thing a little too seriously.

Beef: It's What's for Dessert!

2006-08-14T19:56:00.000-07:00

Here's a form of beefcake that's safe for work, though not necessarily for your arteries...a literal MEATCAKE, made of ground beef, with mashed potato icing and ketchup glaze!

I Dunno About You, But Armageddon the Hell Outta Here

2006-08-14T19:45:00.000-07:00

An easy-to-follow flowchart detailing how the end times might unfold.

Period Piece

2006-08-13T20:47:00.000-07:00

As a public service, and to prove that Xenofile is not totally devoid of redeeming value, we present the 1946 educational short The Story of Menstruation..."a Walt Disney production through the courtesy of Kotex Products"!

Rough Drafts

2006-08-13T20:27:00.000-07:00

For those who enjoy unusual fiction...here's Ordeal by Cheque, a 1932 short story originally published in Vanity Fair, which is told entirely via personal checks! (requires Adobe Acrobat)

Hook, Line and Blinger

2006-08-13T20:15:00.000-07:00

MacDaddy's Fishing Lures presents the three-pound, diamond-and-ruby encrusted gold and platinum Million Dollar Lure!

Atom and Evil

2006-08-10T22:20:00.000-07:00

SWEET MERCIFUL GAWD IN HEAVEN ABOVE!
HERE COMES ANOTHER...

This weekend's Xenoflick features Tor "Swedish Angel" Johnson as a defecting Russian scientist who is transformed into a homicidal monster by radiation from an atomic test. It's the 1961 cult classic The Beast of Yucca Flats (53 mins.)! (DISCLAIMER: Not posted to Google Video by the author blah blah woof woof.)

Fur-Flusher

2006-08-10T19:30:00.000-07:00

Cat discovers how to flush toilet. Staggering water bill follows.

A Xenofile First: A Website with a Porpoise...er, Purpose!

2006-08-10T07:26:00.000-07:00

Think you may be getting too stressed out lately? Take the Dolphin Stress Test and find out for sure.

A Fistful of Mentos

2006-08-10T06:57:00.000-07:00

This park ain't big enough for the both of us, Mister.

What's in a Name?

2006-08-10T06:44:00.000-07:00

URLs of some companies that, uh, should have put a bit more thought into their domain names.

Enter Sandman

2006-08-08T23:08:00.000-07:00

Check out the CDs Baby Rock Records offers: lullaby renditions of classic rock tunes from Led Zeppelin, Metallica, Nirvana, Pink Floyd and more!

Kenya Take It from the Top, Please?

2006-08-08T21:25:00.000-07:00

And now, Xenofile proudly presents classic comedy from the late and legendary TV pioneer Ernie Kovacs: it's the Nairobi Trio! (DISCLAIMER: Not posted to Google Video by the author of this blog.)

Overdrawn

2006-08-08T21:01:00.000-07:00

A gallery consisting entirely of artist's renditions of credit card statements. Dozens of them.

Sartorial Cur-rectness

2006-08-06T17:10:00.000-07:00

The DogTie: What the well-dressed mutt is wearing this year.

And Now, Our Feature Presentation...

2006-08-03T22:22:00.000-07:00

For your weekend viewing pleasure: the 1958 prehistoric mess-terpiece The Wild Women of Wongo (72 mins.), featuring catfights, a wisecracking parrot, a blue-haired tribal leader, an alligator-rasslin' island girl and stock footage galore! (DISCLAIMER: Not posted to Google Video by the author of this blog.)

Never Mind What's in There, How'd He Get the Light to Stay On?

2006-08-03T22:00:00.000-07:00

A QuickTime panorama which allows you to view the contents of someone's fridge (use your mouse to click and drag). Hey, maybe he should get together with this guy to create a new live webcam site: Watching Mold Grow!

They Don't Call Me "Iron Chef" for Nothin', Baby

2006-08-03T21:55:00.000-07:00

Food Network star...or porn star? (May be QUESTIONABLE FOR WORK!)

Consternation Prizes

2006-07-31T21:49:00.000-07:00

An example of the lighthearted entertainment available to TV viewers in Japan: a game show where the object is to read something incredibly fast without making any mistakes. Check out what happens to the guys who don't pull it off!

Jungle Rot

2006-07-31T20:33:00.000-07:00

He's a hippopotamus. And he's got noodles on his back. He also sings a song that will get stuck in your head so badly you'll want to blow your friggin' brains out. Don't say you weren't warned.

Hey Baby, They're Playing Our Song...in Albuquerque!

2006-07-31T19:05:00.000-07:00

Yes.com monitors radio stations across the country, displaying song titles and showing where they're being played in real time.

Just Another Yellow Brick in the Road

2006-07-30T16:27:00.000-07:00

This is the kinda thing that was popular back in the hippie daze: sitting around getting wasted and listening to music while watching TV with the volume turned down. Every so often, something on the record would coincide with whatever was happening on the tube in an amusing way (which was usually even funnier after a couple of joints). Anyway, one of these hazy, crazy experiments went on to become the stuff of legend: a series of amazing similarities discovered while watching the video of The Wizard of Oz and listening to Pink Floyd's classic Dark Side of the Moon album simultaneously. Well, now someone has taken the time and trouble to juxtapose the two works in one 43-minute audiovisual presentation! Unfortunately, it's not in what is considered perfect sync (supposedly, you have to start the CD at the MGM lion's third roar), but it's close enough that you can judge for yourself...so check it out quick before those high-powered Hollywood lawyers swing into action and get this sucker pulled! Ah, if they only had a heart... *sigh*

Mad to the Max!

2006-07-29T06:58:00.000-07:00

Mel Gibson, director of absolutely, positively, decidedly NOT anti-Semitic film The Passion of the Christ launches into crazed anti-Semitic rant after being arrested for drunk driving (Adobe Acrobat required); screams, "My life is fucked!"

UPDATE: Gibson issues statement of apology! L.A. County Sheriff's Department detective confirms police report! Studio executives confirmed shitting bricks! Gibson's life confirmed fucked! Film at eleven!

Sign, Sign, Everywhere a Sign...

2006-07-27T21:16:00.000-07:00

SAID KING TO JESTER

"MAKE ME SMILE"

THE FOOL'S ADVICE?

"READ XENOFILE!"

BURMA-SHAVE.ORG

The Ebb and Flow of Battle

2006-07-27T20:39:00.000-07:00

Feeling creative? Check out Tampon Crafts, where you'll discover how to make all sorts of nifty items including tampon toupees, Viagra cufflinks, festive holiday decorations and even a nifty tampon blowgun made from Tampax vending tubes -- but, as the site warns, "do not use tampons that have been worn". (Unless paintball is your thing, of course!)

Skeet Shooter

2006-07-27T16:48:00.000-07:00

Every so often, a product designed for kids is so outrageous (as was the case with the infamous Chilly Bang! Bang! Juice back in 1989) that it makes you wonder how the damn thing ever made it onto store shelves in the first place. Well, folks, the latest example is Hasbro's newest Super Soaker, the Oozinator. You have to pump it really hard, and it shoots a white goo (called "bio-ooze") that kinda, uh...sorta, uh...oh hell, just watch the friggin' commercial, okay?

Phewwww-metti

2006-07-26T18:05:00.000-07:00

Scott Shaw looks at some of the most psychotronic 'toons of all time at Oddball Comics. Thrill to the earthshaking clash between the Fab 4 (NOT the Beatles) and the spectacularly un-frightening Coal Man!

A Spoonful of Sugar, Milk, Cream, Eggs and Vanilla Helps the Medicine Go Down...

2006-07-26T17:55:00.000-07:00

Fraser at BlogJam gives you the scoop on his latest concoction: Pepto-Bismol Ice Cream.

Hey, Can You Blame a Girl for Trying to Get a Head?

2006-07-26T06:43:00.000-07:00

Cops find human skulls in stripper's home.

Happy Mountaineer

2006-07-26T00:39:00.000-07:00

News anchorwoman somehow manages to confuse visual impairment with sexual orientation.

The Nuclear Option

2006-07-25T23:14:00.000-07:00

Ahhhhh...how wonderfully therapeutic. (And hey, if you actually agree with her psychotic ravings -- feel free to do the same to this page. Have at it, y'all!)

Come on Down!

2006-07-25T23:11:00.000-07:00

Welcome to BobBarker.com, where the price is right...for prison furnishings!

...and just a quick reminder, folks: "Help end overpopulation -- spay and neuter your cats and dogs"...says Ron Jeremy [may be QUESTIONABLE FOR WORK]!

High Fly

2006-07-25T23:00:00.000-07:00

Sick and tired of hearing about Major League Baseball players' steroid-fueled accomplishments on the field? Check out this article about a player who won a game in spectacular fashion IN SPITE OF the stuff he had taken: the Pittsburgh Pirates' Dock Ellis, who pitched a rare no-hitter in 1970 -- while tripping on LSD!

Sorry, Claudia Schiffer and Heidi Klum not available...

2006-07-25T22:57:00.000-07:00

Rent a German for a week..."and get a free weekend to use later"!

M-I-C-K-E-Y: N-O-O-S-E!

2006-07-25T22:52:00.000-07:00

An October 1930 newspaper strip in which Mickey Mouse, heartbroken over apparently losing Minnie to another man -- er, mouse -- tries to commit suicide. Yep, it's fine family entertainment brought to you by good old Uncle Walt himself!

Sweet Science

2006-07-25T22:50:00.000-07:00

The Periodic Table of Dessert.

I Woke Up in Orbit This Mornin'

2006-07-25T22:36:00.000-07:00

The Partridge Family Homepage presents more, much more than you wanted to know about Partridge Family 2200 A.D., Hanna-Barbera's futuristic animated knockoff that proved to be even less popular than Scrappy-Doo!

Webdingalings

2006-07-25T22:24:00.000-07:00

Fans of Jay Leno's Headlines bits will love this site...but watch out, as it contains material that is NOT SAFE FOR WORK!

Kittens on the Keys

2005-03-29T05:03:00.001-08:00

Hi! We're Tuffy and Midnight -- a couple of cute, cuddly cats -- and we've been asked by our human to fill in as guest bloggers while he takes forever to get off his ass and figure out what timely topic will get the Xenofile treatment next. And since the best approach is to write about what you know, we're doing a lighthearted look at the world of your furry feline friends, for all you aelurophiles out there! (Our human told us to be sure and use that word instead of "cat lovers"...he says it'll make us sound really clever! Well, hey, it works for him...)

CAT SCAN: For centuries, humans have wondered how our minds worked. Well, wonder no more: the folks at xmission.com (with the help of MS. Magazine) have finally unlocked this mystery of the ages!

PURR-VERSE:
Some silly humans
Ignore five-seven-five rule
Writing cat haikus!

CATBLOG, CATBLOG...NOT ALONE IN THE WORLD IS A LITTLE CATBLOG: Remember that saying about how a thousand monkeys pounding on typewriters will eventually type the works of Shakespeare? Those monkeys ain't got nothing on us cats! Check out Ripley...and Phoebe...and I Crap in a Box...and Prince Muddy Paws...and Max the Psycho Kitty...and William of Mass Destruction...and rest assured that there are WAYYYY too many others to list here! (And that's not even counting Catster, which includes over 2000 cat diaries!)

PURR-CHANCE TO DREAM: Stressed out after a long day at the office? Grab your Discman and put on Purrr: The Cat Lover's Way to Relax (a full hour of purring!) and, just like us kitties, you too will feel like relaxing, cuddling, sucking your mother's ni -- well, you get the idea!

SPHINCTER LICKIN' GOOD: Ever notice how us feline types will turn up our noses at the food you dish out for us, then sit and lick our butts for hours on end? Take it from us, it's quite the taste sensation! And now, thanks to some fine folks across the pond, all you humans can treat yourselves to a pack of Cat Butt Gum and find out just what you've been missing...and once you've acquired the taste, we're sure you'll want to decorate your fridge with these great cat butt magnets!

Well, that's about it for now, cat fanciers -- keep watching this space and hopefully our human will be back soon. And BTW, be sure and tell your cats that if they're ever in the neighborhood...come on over and sniff our butts!

Equal Time

2005-03-03T09:26:00.001-08:00

You know, it's no secret that we here at Xenofile are of the dyed-in-the-wool hellraising liberal persuasion. However, we do recognize that some of our readers have political views that differ quite sharply from the opinions we express every so often on this site.

So...we've decided that in the interest of fairness, from time to time, we'll post an opposing viewpoint here for all to read...and we ask that everyone read them carefully, in their entirety. Our first right-wing guest blogger will be a lady from the South by the name of Darlene:

A Southern Belle's Point of View

Hi, everybody! My name's Darlene, and as a true red, white and blue American through and through, I'm proud to have been asked to contribute a little something for the true patriots who read this site -- I believe the computer "geeks" call it a "blog" or something like that?

Anyway, my neighbor Edna and I (oh, and by the way, she makes the most DIVINE peach cobbler -- you really must try it sometime if you ever come down this way!) were talking about the strong, decisive measures our beloved President is taking against those awful Muslim insurgents in Iraq. She showed me a DVD called Buried in the Sand that her husband Billy picked up when he went down to fill up his 4x4 and pick up a bag of pork rinds at the Shell station around the corner. Oh, my Lord, it was awful...it actually showed that poor Nick Berg getting his head chopped off!!! And Billy told me they're doing this more and more, because those people over there are too dadblamed stupid to realize that President Bush and our troops are trying to liberate them!

So the more I got to listening to what Billy was saying, the more I agreed with him...if those ignorant towelheads don't appreciate the wonderful freedom that only the STRONGEST and BEST country in the world can bring to them, we need to just blow them ALL away -- Iraqis, Iranians, Syrians, ALL of them -- and let God in His infinite, almighty wisdom separate the good souls from the bad! And just think...like Billy and Edna said, once they're all either in the ground or rotting in a prison camp somewhere, why, we'll have ALL THEIR OIL ALL TO OURSELVES!!!

So that's why I think anybody who says anything against our God-fearing, terrorist-fighting President needs to be put in their place real quick. Here's an example of just what I mean: this "anniesj" had the fear of God put into her a few months back when the Secret Service came knocking on her door. You can bet she'll be keeping her big fat mouth shut from now on!!!!! Can you believe this smartass liberal terrorist-loving bitch wrote a prayer for God to kill our President? Luckily for those of us who truly love this great land, the government is about to step in and do something about these "bloggers" who try to destroy this country with their so-called "free speech"...and I'm sorry, Mr. Xenofile, but that means you, too. And they're especially going to crack down on the ones who are uppity enough to think they're doing the work of journalists, and yet provide links to the candidates they support!

Anyway, I've spent so long sharing my thoughts with you all that my blackeyed peas just boiled over on the stove! Ha ha! Guess I need to be a little more careful...but, seriously, isn't the freedom of speech we REAL Americans enjoy just so wonderful? Before I sign off, I hope you'll all take just a moment of your time today to thank our precious Lord for giving all of us true Americans the gift of freedom...for blessing us with such a terrific President...and most of all, for being on our side against those filthy sand niggers.

Ta-ta for now!

Your neighbor,
Darlene

Axe Bliss, Sold with Love

2005-03-01T14:24:00.001-08:00

The great Jimi Hendrix was known throughout his career not only for his guitar prowess and musical vision, but also for his willingness to jam at enormous length with just about anyone he happened to be with. And more often than not, a tape recorder was rolling, catching it all. And bootleggers have flooded record shops with the results ever since.

Not much new material, though, has found its way onto the market for a number of years, and it's been widely assumed that the bottom of Jimi's outtake barrel was scraped ages ago...until now. The legendary Swingin' Aardvark label, well-known for unearthing and releasing rare, long-sought after material by everyone from the Velvet Underground to Vic Damone in shimmering sound quality, now brings Hendrix devotees a lavishly-packaged four-CD set jam-packed with previously unheard and revealing Hendrix material, Stuck Inside the Rolling Stones Mobile Unit with the Plaster Caster Blues Again, Volume One. [Link NOT SAFE FOR WORK!]

The first disc gets the set off to a promising start, as Hendrix jams in the studio with Jeff Beck, joined by Ringo Starr on drums. After fine performances of "The Wind Cries Mary", "Shapes of Things" and "Act Naturally", the session screeches to a halt as Hendrix is unable to resist asking Beck: "Hey, Jeff -- hey, man, wait, hold it a sec -- no, no, I can't stand it any longer, man, I gotta know right now...can you REALLY give yourself a blowjob?" The segment fades out with uproarious laughter and repeated shouts of "Wow, man!" and "Far out!" -- so draw your own conclusions as to whether or not the legend was true!

The fine folks at Swingin' Aardvark present a MAJOR find on Disc 2. As many of you know, future heavy metal heroes Jimmy Page, John Paul Jones and John "Bonzo" Bonham were among the musicians involved in Donovan's April 3, 1968 recording of "Hurdy Gurdy Man". But what wasn't widely known prior to the release of this set is that once Donovan had left for the day...in walked Hendrix! After an incredibly tasty, heavy psychedelic blues jam, the four are joined by Rod Stewart on lead vocals -- and proceed to accompany Stewart (not altogether successfully) on versions of Nat King Cole's "Unforgettable" and the Cole Porter standard "I Get a Kick Out of You". Most interesting is Jimi's advice once Stewart has departed the studio: "Man, if you guys hook up with that cat, you're fuckin' crazy...you'll go over like a lead zeppelin!"

The set's third disc consists of another incredible rarity, believed not to have been captured on tape until now: a March 1969 mega jam session at the Fillmore East with Jimi, the Experience, Eric Clapton, Steve Winwood, Mike Bloomfield, Al Kooper, B.B. King, Davy Jones, Tiny Tim and Drooper of the Banana Splits. Drooper and his bandmate Fleagle, as fans will recall, had become embroiled in a bitter feud which would eventually lead to the breakup of the group; Fleagle wanted to stay the course with the Splits' tried-and-true bubblegum formula but Drooper, who had been turned on to marijuana during a chance backstage meeting with Bob Dylan, was desperate to find an outlet for his newfound creativity ("Hey, I may just be a goofy-looking live-action kidvid character, but dammit, I've got artistic statements to make!"). Having turned to booze to try and drown his frustration, Drooper had been hitting the bottle hard the night of this show, and can be heard intermittently bellowing into the mike, "Fuck Fleagle in the ass!" until Bill Graham finally grabs him by the ear and drags him offstage. Fortunately this does little to mar a truly smokin' all-star jam; one of the disc's highlights is a blazing 47-minute Hendrix/Bloomfield guitar duel during Tiny Tim's performance of "On the Good Ship Lollipop". And check out Jimi's wailing train whistle effect as Jones, Clapton and B.B. sing "Last Train to Clarksville"!

As if all that wasn't enough, the fourth and final disc should make rock star wannabes everywhere cream in their corduroys: it features a full hour of Hendrix retuning his guitar! Yep, if you're a rising young Strat strangler, these clips taken from concerts taped throughout Jimi's career will teach you how to get in tune the Hendrix way. All in all, Stuck Inside... is one helluva collection of hidden gems that no one ever thought would see the light of day -- hell, that no one even knew EXISTED! All we can say is that we're definitely looking forward to checking out Volume Two!

UPDATE: Well, sad to say, reports indicate that all but a handful of copies of this fine set have been confiscated by the authorities, and any plans for a second volume appear to be on indefinite hold due to the recent arrest of the Swingin' Aardvark crew. But keep watching the newsgroups, IRC and peer-to-peer networks...you never know when one of the lucky owners of Volume One might post the sucker for all to download!

Cubic Rube

2005-01-09T22:11:00.000-08:00

Meet Gene Ray: "greatest thinker", "wisest human" (hey, he'll tell you so himself!)...and the man behind the Time Cube theory [may be UNSAFE FOR WORK due to occasional rough language -- approach with caution]! And what is that, you may well ask? Well, click the link...but give the page plenty of time to load, as Gene rants on for over 200K about how those who don't buy into it are "educated stupid and evil - and too dumb to comprehend it"! Here's a brief excerpt to clue you in on what to expect:

Time Cube is "T.O.E.", theory of everything. Time, Life and Truth = a Cubic Principle, a natural creation of ineffable opposites. Caltech professors practice obscurantism and can not ever allow Time Cube Debate - for it will indict the word bastards as evil. They can't argue it, their power is to ignore - and that's why students must demand debate. Word is most efficient form of enslavement. You have been educated singularity stupid. You have been educated in singularity evil.

Self singularity is cursed form of humanity. Do you care to know that Cubic Creation debunks the Word God and Word World of the educated stupid human Word Animal?

WOW! And you thought we were too free with the boldface font!

Now, we here at Xenofile are admittedly no brainiacs (especially when it comes to quantum physics...or whatever the hell this stuff is), but we do know this much: if Gene's site isn't a parody (hey, those evil "word bastards" have already parodied HIS site here, here, here, here and here!), it could serve as a useful example of what NOT to do if you have a scientific theory that you truly wish to have taken seriously! For example, it isn't a wise idea to incessantly run off at the mouth (or, in Gene's case, the keyboard) about how everyone else on Earth is supposedly stupider than you are -- people do tend to be put off by that sort of thing, y'know. And you certainly won't convince anyone in the scientific community that you're any kind of genius if you start throwing in stuff like this right out of nowhere:

Interracial marriage is stupid and evil for it creates a child not of either race, betraying the child and both the races.

...and...

University of Michigan is a racist and anti-white institution - offering 20 points for registration, if you are not white. It is already evil in that they suppress student free speech for discussing and debating Nature's Harmonic Time Cube Principle. Integration equates unnatural racial slop. Does black mentality need the 20 points to equate the mentality of the white race, or is it an evil ploy to subdue the white race? What anti-white force is behind this evil?

Jeez almighty, Gene, get with the program -- most of your fellow Caucasians stopped spouting that kind of crap ages ago! (Now they just THINK it!)

So Round, So Firm, So Fully Packed...with SUGAR!

2005-01-06T20:00:00.001-08:00

Greetings and salutations once again, boomers and other long-in-the-toothers! Remember being able to go down to the local candy or grocery store and pick up a pack or two of candy cigarettes? Betcha thought they were history, huh? Well, you were WRONG -- it's just that they're a little harder to find these days! Oh yeah, and for obvious reasons, they can't call 'em candy cigarettes anymore. So what to do? Well, people have been referring to the real ones as "cancer sticks" for years...so why not just continue to PACKAGE the sugary imitations in boxes closely resembling cigarette packs, while calling them "candy sticks"? Yeah! That's the ticket!

But...while these sinister attempts at indoctrinating innocent children into using tobacco products still take place, not all brands are packaged that insidiously nowadays. Some are, in fact, packaged even MORE insidiously!

...as the site points out, incredibly enough, the Spider-Man brand is an official product of Marvel Comics! Hmmm...comic book publishers...candy manufacturers...big tobacco...uh, well, maybe we'd better knock off the tinfoil hat stuff before we get ourselves into deep dookie! At any rate, check out the site for the scoop on dozens of brands of candy ~~cigarettes~~ sticks, including where to order them online for a nostalgic treat...or to indoctrinate your own kids!

...And You Thought YOU Had Women Problems!

2005-01-03T15:14:00.001-08:00

I'm scared shitless! Please help me!

I am in hiding, all alone, terrified that they will find me! You see, I am being chased by SUCCUBI!!! And they won't stop until I'm dead!!!

So begins the saga of "T" [WORKPLACE WARNING -- see below], who tells of being turned into a sex slave by Cleo, a hottie he meets in a bar, who turns out to be a succubus! And not only that...later on, he gets betrayed by a guy who promises to help him, but reveals himself to be pimpin' for the succubi! That's right, y'all -- he's an INCUBUS!

One by one, the succubi came to our hideout up in the snow covered Canadian Rocky Mountains, after I had made my post on the message board enticing them. Daniel said not to let them in until they were all there. He claimed he had a special chant that would keep them out while we waited. Their numbers grew by the hour, making me more and more panicky. I could see them through the small holes in the boarded up windows of our cabin, all of them writhing and naked in the freezing, icy cold.

Once I saw their tight little bodies and perfect asses, something snapped. Terrified as I was, I began to fall under the succubi's spell, urgently needing to have sex with them. But Daniel held me back, forcing me to wait. I was amazed that Daniel wasn't aroused at all. I thought, "Wow, this guy is really a professional."

Once there were a good twenty-five of them outside the cabin, Daniel said it was time. He opened the door, and in they all came, surrounding me, stroking me, rubbing their breasts up against me. Within moments, they had me on the ground, ripping my clothes from my body. I was in ecstasy, as they took turns with me, four or five of them at a time. The smell of sex was everywhere.

And yet somehow, through all of the passionate heat, I was able to realize Daniel should be stopping them right about now. I thought, "Once I ejaculate, these succubi will eat me for dinner. They're going to want more and I won't have it." Why wasn't he stopping them???

And then, I saw him, laughing as he watched our sexual escapades. And I remembered how, wherever we traveled, women would leer at him, and he would seduce them with his eyes (and God knows what else he was doing with them when I wasn't looking). Oh, Jesus! I had been lured into a trap by an incubus! I was doomed! And don't think he was going to be able to take up the slack when these insatiable succubi wanted more from me. No. A succubus and an incubus cannot mate! They must have sex with humans to survive!

Now let's face it, folks...most guys, if they were swarmed by a bevy of insatiable babes, would not only think they'd died and gone to heaven -- they also wouldn't give a shit about dying AFTERWARDS!

Anyway, to read more, you'll have to click the link above...but if you're reading this at work, whatever you do, DO NOT, WE REPEAT, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES GO TO THE PHOTOS PAGE, because the LAST pic is INCREDIBLY UNSAFE FOR WORK -- not only that, but it, along with its caption, are also the tipoff that this whole site is a parody! But despite that -- and the fact that "T" hasn't posted any updates since February of '01 -- readers continue to post responses to his desperate pleas for advice on the site's message board! For instance:

...cheap canada viagra free shipping - buy non prescription generic viagra with paypal - online shop viagra - sexual dysfunction and lexapro - order viagra without prescription - buy online securely viagra - low cost viagra online - cheap viagra source - who ships viagra without prescription - online order viagra - order viagra now get it by mail - cheap quality viagra...

Well, hey -- if you're ever in a situation where your life depends on satisfying twenty-five succubi, it's hard to argue with advice like THAT!

The Scarring Letter

2004-12-20T17:55:00.001-08:00

Hey, all you aging baby boomers! What's the most frightening thing you remember seeing on TV as a kid?

Was it Boris Karloff as the Frankenstein monster?

...or Jonathan Frid as Dark Shadows' 200-year-old vampire, Barnabas Collins?

...or maybe that army of sword-wielding skeletons from Jason and the Argonauts?

Heh heh...we know what probably creeped you out even more than ANY of those things!

Go on, ADMIT IT! It's okay...'cause a whole bunch of your peers are 'fessing up online to being EMOTIONALLY SCARRED FOR LIFE by the closing logo for Screen Gems' late-'60s TV series, too! Hey, if you don't believe us, click here! And here! And HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE! Why, it even has a nickname now: THE "S" FROM HELL!

Actually, most people seem to agree that it wasn't the animated logo that scared the bejeebus out of them...it was the MUSIC! Played on a synthesizer -- a very newfangled instrument when the "S" debuted in 1965 -- it definitely has a ghostly, floaty sort of quality and was unlike any music heard before by young children of that time. And to make matters worse, Screen Gems cranked out many of the most family-friendly series of that era (including The Flintstones, The Monkees, Bewitched and The Partridge Family), and the dreaded melody was tacked onto the end of every last one of 'em!

Just imagine: you're a little kid laughing at Fred Flintstone getting locked out of his house by Dino while a bright, happy chorus sings about having a yabba-dabba-doo time...or maybe you're a gum-chewing weenybopper squealing with delight as Micky Dolenz warbles about how this generation will make the world shine and how it will be what it's going to be and what it's gotta BEEEEEEE is FREEEEEE...and suddenly, a spine-chilling, reverb-drenched slice of electronica booms from the TV speaker and makes your pre-teen blood run cold:

DOOT-DOOOOO!
DOOT-DOOT-DOOT-DOOOOO!
TWEEDLEDEE, TWEEDLEDEEEEEEEEEEE!

...after which your parents have to coax you, trembling and sobbing, out from behind the sofa!

Yes, we here at Xenofile have vivid childhood memories of the "S" from Hell, too, and understand exactly what you mean when you confess that it still gives you a twinge of fear even today (it can now be seen, for the first time in years, on TV Land reruns of Bewitched and I Dream of Jeannie!). But it's high time for us to CONFRONT that fear, folks! You'll be glad to know that it's EASY to do, because you can find multimedia files of the hated "Scream Gem" on the Web and we're linking to them right here on Xenofile, as a public service. So now, we encourage you to surf to this page and click the links near the bottom [AVI files, about 2 MB each] to see and hear the clips, just as we're doing. That's right, CLICK THE LINKS! FORCE YOURSELF TO WATCH THEM! Because when you do, you'll see that there is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON WHATSOEVER TO BE AFRAID OF

...M-Mommy?

*sniff*

Is...is it g-g-gone yet?

UPDATE: Now that it appears to be safe to come out from behind the sofa...thanx and a big Xenofile shout-out to Dawn Eden (whose own blog posts on the "S" from Hell can be found here and here) for pointing me in the direction of a piece of TV music guaranteed to give you an even worse case of the willies: it's the theme from the PBS series The Open Mind! One of Dawn's readers describes the show's opening sequence as "an eerie rotating head, a la the modernist humans in the PBS logo, accompanied by spooky, non-melodic flute music of the sort you'd expect from a 1970s safe-cracking scene or a shot of a rattlesnake in the desert." Now, courtesy of Ms. Eden and her webhost Offoffoff, you can listen to this mondo-creepo composition for yourself! (If you dare, that is...heh-heh-heh-heh-heh...)

Cassius and Caries

2004-12-13T19:16:00.000-08:00

The world's weirdest records! Here's where you can see 'em:
Just follow the link to Frank's Vinyl Museum!
And once you are there, the first platter you'll see,
Was laid down by The Greatest, Muhammad Ali!

Now, all 'round Ali, controversy had swirled,
Since he socked it to Liston and shook up the world.
No draft would he answer, nor pull any trigger,
For no Vietnamese ever called him a nigger.
"An objector of conscience? Hand over the title!
For you, no more fights and no poetry recitals!"
But, no longer seen as a draft-dodging villain;
Now Ali can even make records for chillen!

But what, you may ask, makes this record so funny?
Well, his foe isn't Foreman, nor Frazier, nor Sonny.
Instead, check out Howard Cosell's play-by-play,
For the clash of Ali and Mr. Tooth Decay!

Richie Havens guest stars -- he sang peace songs at Woodstock!
(He sings jingles now to sell ex-hippies "good" stocks!)
Dig this! Ol' Blue Eyes, too, is makin' the scene
As a swingin' bad guy who sells children ice cream!

Uh-oh! Ali's burst into song! What the hell?!
He says HE put the crack in the Liberty Bell,
Dumped tea in the harbor and rode with Revere!
Just what have we got our fool selves into here?!?
("Gaseous Cassius", they dubbed him at one point in time
For his boastful behavior, predictions and rhymes.
But with all THESE tall tales that Muhammad is tellin',
We're pretty damn sure that ain't gas that WE'RE smellin'!)

Now we hear you say "Liar! What'choo tryin' to do?
This is so bad it's good and too good to be true!"
But this record is real -- it's too strange to be fiction!
So now, Xenofile offers up ITS prediction:
Two minutes, say we, or perhaps three or four
Is the most that you'll hear before howling, "No more!"
It may sound cute for kids, but on close aural inspection,
YOUR conscience may lead YOU to voice an objection!

Goin' Down the Road Feelin' Bad

2004-12-13T19:12:00.000-08:00

The long strange trip of Jerry Garcia, the heart and soul of the Grateful Dead, as you'll recall, came to an end when he trucked off to the great gig in the sky on August 9, 1995, having suffered the ravages of diabetes, tobacco addiction, cocaine addiction, heroin addiction...and that wasn't the half of it. Now Deadheads can experience the next best thing to being present for the long-ailing Captain Trips' autopsy: an incredibly lifelike simulation which proves conclusively that, for Jerry, death didn't have no mercy!

The N.O.A.A. Team

2004-12-13T19:09:00.000-08:00

Here's a lesson in stormchasing from none other than '80s superstar Mr. T, brought to you by the fine folks at Stormtrack! But can you spot what T's doing here that a smart stormchaser would not do? That's right, sucka! I pity the fool who tries to get out of the path of an F5 tornado weighted down with a hundred pounds of bling-bling 'round his neck!

Feeling Our Oats

2004-12-05T22:31:00.000-08:00

And now, Xenofile presents a special section devoted to your favorite food and ours, BREAKFAST CEREALS!

First, RetroCRUSH's Robert Berry presents The World's Craziest Cereal Boxes! (Plus lots more wacky -- and not-so-wacky -- packages at Tick Tock Toys' Cereal Box Archive and The Cereal Aisle!)

For those with fond memories of characters like Toucan Sam, Dig 'em Frog, Jean LaFoote the Barefoot Pirate and King Ayummayumma, Topher's Breakfast Cereal Character Guide is your site, with info on just about EVERY character in the history of cereal...even the ones from fictitious brands!

Find out more about the newest fast-food craze...Cereality Cereal Bar and Cafe, where pajama-clad "Cerealogists" serve your favorite breakfast treats!

'Fess up, gang...you love eating the stuff straight out of the box as a snack, right? Don't we all! But you wind up dropping a lot of it in your lap or on the floor, eh? Don't we all, too! Well, inventor Fred Casciano tells us he has THE SOLUTION to this messy dilemma: it's the Cereal Snacker, a dry cereal dispenser that enables you to funnel those sugary morsels straight into your mouth!

And finally (c'mon now, you HAD to know something like this was coming...this is Xenofile, where no pun is too shameful!), here's the outline for Cereal Killers!, a proposed animated video that the creator says "is several years old in my brain", in which the protagonist is -- well, we'll let him explain it:
An innocent box of cereal ventures out into the world of the kitchen only to encounter characters intent on his destruction! Mayhem and hilarity ensues.
The antagonists include spoons (bigots who "don't like forks trying to join their exclusive group") and a milk carton ("The milk THINKS he is evil because that is what he does. He pours himself on the cereal so it can be eaten. He has delusions of grandeur basically. He should come across as evil but silly. You may even feel sorry for him occasionally (think "duct tape"). [WTF?!?] He should be likable. He doesn't know any better.") UHHHH...something tells us this is probably a project we should wait and see in its finished form before passing judgment on it!

And until Xenofile milks another flaky topic for all it's worth, it's time to say...CHEERIO!

Meals to Die For

2004-12-05T22:17:00.000-08:00

Dead Man Eating is a blog that focuses on the last meal requests of death row inmates...and what meals they are! Just take a gander at the heapin' helpin' of cholesterol that Frederick Patrick McWilliams asked for prior to his November 10 execution:

...six fried chicken breasts with ketchup, french fries, six layer lasagna (ground chicken, beef, cheese, minced tomatoes, noodles and sauteed onions), six egg rolls, shrimp fried rice and soy sauce, six chimichangas with melted cheese and salsa, six slices of turkey with liver and gizzard dressing, dirty rice, cranberry sauce and six lemonades with extra sugar.

...or this whopping platter ordered up by convicted murderer Robert Morrow on November 4:

...ten pieces of crispy fried chicken (leg quarters), two double meat, double cheese burgers with sliced onions, pickles, tomatoes, mayo, ketchup, salt, pepper and lettuce, one small chef salad with chopped ham and thousand island dressing, one large order of french fries cooked with onions, five big buttermilk biscuits with butter, four jalapeno peppers, two sprites, two cokes, one pint of rocky road ice cream, one bowl of peach cobbler or apple pie.

YOW! Kinda makes you wonder if some of these guys aren't trying to cheat the executioner, doesn't it? For more in the same (clogged) vein, click here and here!